My Big, Fat, Muggle Wedding
by disabledaccount06
Summary: Severus Snape thought the wedding was the easy part. But he wasn't prepared for in-laws, wedding planners, bridesmaids, or all the shopping. Can he survive long enough to make it to the alter? SSHG
1. It Started With November

He thought the hard part was over.  
  
But then again he had thought many things in his life. He had thought that the most important characteristic of a person was the purity of their blood. He had thought that the Dark Lord was the savior of the wizarding world. And he had thought that Hermione Granger was an annoying, buck toothed, know-it-all, whose sole purpose was to make his life a little more miserable.  
  
So it shouldn't have been a surprise that he wrong about this as well.  
  
"What are those?"  
  
"Those are wedding books."  
  
"I am aware that they are wedding books," he scowled as Hermione made a face at him. "What are they doing in my kitchen?"  
  
"They're for planning the wedding."  
  
Hermione sighed as his blank expression.  
  
"You know, wedding. That thing you do to get married. You know, married. That thing you asked me to do last night," she added sarcastically.  
  
Weddings. He hadn't given weddings a second thought. After all what was there to think about. He had gotten her a ring; he figured all they needed was a witness, maybe a few friends if you got really picky. Albus could do it in his office in five minutes, and then you were set.  
  
But he had a suspicion that a ceremony in the headmaster's office was not what Hermione had in mind. The pictures on the front of the books showed large cakes, elaborate flower arrangements, and models posing as couples with big smiles. Smiles that seemed a bit unnatural. In fact all the people seemed a bit unnatural, just standing there in their gowns and tuxedos..hold on. Gowns and tuxedos?  
  
"Wait a minute! These are muggle books!"  
  
"Very good Severus. Now tell me what color the dress is."  
  
He ignored her sarcasm. She had been doing that a lot lately.  
  
"Why on earth would you plan a muggle wedding?"  
  
"I have no idea Severus. Could it possibly have something to with the fact that I'm muggle-born with muggle parents and muggle relatives?"  
  
There was that sarcasm again. He hoped it didn't last.  
  
"Hermione," he started. "A muggle wedding was not exactly what I had in mind."  
  
She snorted.  
  
"I figured as much. You probably thought Albus could marry us with Fawkes as a witness."  
  
He decided it was best not to tell her that was exactly what he had in mind.  
  
He glared at the books. Damn books. If it wasn't for them he could be happily enjoying his breakfast and not have to worry about having to talk his fiancée out of him wearing a three piece muggle suit.  
  
"Look, wizards get married all the time. Why can't we have a normal ceremony?"  
  
"I know, I went to Harry and Ginny's wedding and they had a beautiful wizard ceremony. It's just that." her voice wandered off and she bit the side of her lip. When she started talking again it was obvious she was holding back tears. "All my family will be there, and they always expected me to get married like everyone else. And I always dreamed of walking down the aisle in a white dress with the wedding march playing in the background."  
  
She looked at him pleadingly; her cinnamon eyes start to swim with tears. He hated it when she looked at him like that. One look like that and Hermione Elizabeth Granger got exactly what she wanted.  
  
*  
  
He hated November. November meant snow. Snow meant a bone chilling cold would set in the castle. This cold meant the temperature would drop in the dungeons leaving him with sniffling students. It also meant he would spend his days making cold potions for Madame Pomfrey, and his nights escorting Slytherins with the flu to the hospital wing. It meant hot chocolate would be served, that disgustingly rich drink that Albus loved and covered with marshmallows. Marshmallows meant white sticky goo stuck on the bottoms of the classroom floor. He hated November.  
  
Albus had asked him if he wanted to be a chaperone on the trip to Hogsmeade. "Like hell I do," he had thought. But of course he didn't say it. All those years, Albus had been the one who trusted him, and had given him a second chance. And for that he had to endure certain miseries. Like chaperoning the trip to Hogsmeade. In November.  
  
He stepped into The Three Broomsticks, soaking up the warmth. During his Death Eater days warmth had been a superfluous indulgence. Now with the Dark Lord gone he overtly enjoyed the relaxing vapors that embraced his body. His preferred luxury, though he'd never admit it, was hot baths. Nothing in the world felt as good as searing water after a long day of sniveling students and the putrid potions they tended to brew.  
  
"Firewisky please."  
  
Rosmerta smiled and handed him a long bottle. It wasn't exactly an elegant or lavish drink, but it hit the spot and he always needed a drink that could do that. Especially in November.  
  
"Hello dear, what would you like?" Rosmerta asked the customer after him.  
  
"Cosmopolitan, please Rosmerta," a feminine voice replied.  
  
Rosmerta pushed over the pink drink as the woman pulled out her money purse. As she pushed across the coins two sickles fell to the ground and one in Severus' lap.  
  
"I am so sorry!" the woman hurriedly apologized picking up the sickles. "I can be so clumsy, and I've been so busy."  
  
Her voice trailed off. Severus realized she was studying his face her mouth slightly open. He decided that this woman, clumsy as she may be, had the most enticing lips he had ever seen.  
  
"Professor Snape?"  
  
He raised an eyebrow. Apparently she was a former student. It made sense; she couldn't be more then twenty-five.  
  
She must have realized she was still hunched over as she suddenly stood up straight.  
  
"I'm sorry you must think that I'm incredibly rude."  
  
"Not at all," he replied silkily, handing her her sickle. She blushed slightly. "Sit," he said gesturing to the chair next to him.  
  
To his pleasure she did just that, giving him a small smile as she returned the run away sickles to her pouch.  
  
"You probably don't remember me."  
  
She was certainly correct about that. The woman sitting in front of him was a far cry from any of the girls who populated his dungeons. She had silky honey brown curls that framed a small, pale face, home of those ever more tantalizing lips. She was thin, but hardly skinny with more curves then your average seventh year.  
  
"I'm afraid not?" he answered returning her smile.  
  
"Hermione Granger."  
  
It took every ounce of his willpower to not let his mouth gape open in shock. There was no way. No way that the woman sitting in front of him was the same bushy haired, annoying, studyaholic who he had taught all those years. Less miraculous transformations happened in McGonagall's classroom.  
  
"I graduated six years ago-"  
  
"Yes, I know," he interrupted.  
  
"Oh, so you do remember me?" She looked positively thrilled. Maybe she became emotionally attached to all of her harshly cruel teachers.  
  
"How could I forget?" he grumbled as she laughed. That laugh was the same. It was an interesting laugh. It wasn't particularly attractive, but not off-putting either. She always sounded like she had just heard the funniest joke ever, regardless of what she really heard.  
  
"What, may I ask, brings you to Hogsmeade, Miss Granger?" he asked once she had fully regained control of herself.  
  
"Well, I was sent here to go Christmas shopping for my boss-"  
  
"You Christmas shop for your boss?"  
  
"Well, she's a very busy woman!"  
  
"Obviously if you have to shop for her. She might as well not bother though. She's probably to busy to ever actually see the people you're purchasing gifts for."  
  
She let out another laugh, this time managing to shoot Cosmopolitan out of her nose. Despite his best efforts to remain calm Severus found the last bit too much and couldn't help but chuckle as she tried to mop up the mess.  
  
"Grace is not one of your finer points is it Miss Granger?"  
  
She shrugged embarrassed.  
  
"No, much to my mother's distaste. She's always been trying to make me more socially accomplished. She had me in ballet classes and finishing school until the day I left for Hogwarts."  
  
Severus suddenly had an image of her squirting tea out of her nose in etiquette classes. He emitted another chuckle.  
  
"Is it really that amusing Severus?"  
  
He noted her use of his given name, but decided against commenting on it. She was no longer his student and was no longer expected to use such formalities as Professor when addressing him.  
  
"Well, you just don't seem like the finishing school type."  
  
"I wasn't, much as my mother tried. You have to give her some credit. No matter how bleak my training looked she never gave up."  
  
Severus wasn't sure what kind of credit that deserved. The woman sounded delusional to him, but he guessed a Gryffindor could find some sort of redeeming determination within it.  
  
"Well, I should be off. I haven't been nearly as successful at shopping as I had hoped."  
  
"Do you mind if I accompany you?"  
  
She looked surprised at his request. Well it was nothing compared to what he felt. He hadn't meant to say anything of the sort, only to wish her a successful trip. But it was out and judging from the smile that returned to her lips, he really had to stop looking at those; it was to late to retract the request.  
  
"Of course. I just don't know how interesting it will be."  
  
"Well, it's more of a learning experience," he explained, offering her his arm. "You see, I'm extremely curious as to what a woman, who has her employees shop for her, buys for her friends."  
  
She laughed again, sans the projected liquid, and he decided he definitely liked that laugh.  
  
As they stepped out of the pub, dodging other shoppers and shocked looking students, he wondered what all his fuss had been about. November wasn't that bad after all.  
  
*  
  
"Fine."  
  
She jumped up excitedly.  
  
"Really?!"  
  
"Yes really. You obviously care more about this weeding thing then I do."  
  
She let out a girly shriek, the kind that he hated, and bounced out of the room to the phone. Before long the entire world, and the Weasleys, would know all about Hermione Granger's fabulous wedding.  
  
He took a log swig of his coffee. He couldn't very well tell her no, she couldn't have the wedding she had always dreamed of. But he had a very bad feeling he was going to regret this.  
  
"Mom? It's Hermione."  
  
He let out a groan. Yes, he was most certainly going to regret this.  
  
A/N: I learned something today. My spell check knows how to spell McGonagall better then I do.  
  
This is my first SS/HG fic, even though I've been reading it since day one when I unwittingly stumbled across Dishonest by Strega Brava. So I've always been a fan, just a hesitant to write one.  
  
I will still be keeping up with "I Never Knew" and am working on the next chapter (if you haven't read it please do).  
  
I know the description of Hermione is a little clichéd, but I believe all nerds have the right to grow up to be beautiful and have everyone who once tortured them be totally smitten. I'm not alone, there are several movies dedicated to this same idea.  
  
For those who may be confused the middle part was a flashback and it should be italicized if ff.net doesn't screw that up. There will be a couple of these throughout the fic.  
  
The chapters will probably be longer, but I didn't want to over kill.  
  
I'm also looking for a beta if anyone's interested. Thanks for reading. Tchao! 


	2. Meet The Parents!

"You have a mother?"  
  
"No Hermione, I fell out of the sky one day and-"  
  
"Why didn't you tell me about her before?" she interrupted him with an incredulous cry.  
  
Severus sighed and entered the Great Hall, Hermione hot on his heels. She had showed up earlier telling him she was ready to hire a planner and wanted to know if there was anyone in his family that would want to help in preparations. He had given a simple answer ("How the hell am I supposed to know Hermione?"), to which she had rudely replied ("Well, think Severus, it's your family."), so he had consented by naming his mother. Of course he hadn't expected her to go into cardiac arrest over it.  
  
"If you must know, I'm not particularly fond of my mother, and we don't keep in constant contact. I write to her for her birthday and for Christmas. Otherwise, we each pretend that the other does not exist."  
  
"Well, do you think that your wedding merits the same amount of attention as Christmas?"  
  
She wasn't being sarcastic for once. It seemed the "Snape Family Saga" had softened her tongue.  
  
He shrugged.  
  
"Probably. She's been on my case to get married for quite some time."  
  
Hermione nodded, taken this new information in and no doubt filing it away somewhere. She probably created a new folder for it. Well she would need to, there'd be quite a bit to add before this whole wedding thing was done.  
  
"Hermione! It's so nice to see you again!"  
  
Severus stifled a moan. For the most part, he got along with the students on the house. Serena Wimberley was, however, an exception. She was meddling and troublesome. Worst of all, the sixth year prefect had taken a certain liking to Hermione, and had placed every ounce of her energy into his relationship. "I will not let you mess this up," she constantly told him. "You were very lucky to find her and you are much too old to lose her over something dumb and meaningless." He wanted to tell her to take her own advice and stick it up her ass, but Albus tended to frown upon that.  
  
However, the worst part was that Hermione liked her back. She actually liked most of his students, and vice versa. They enjoyed complaining to her about his potions classes and his common room regime, and she enjoyed vicariously attending Hogwarts through them. But, despite how much she enjoyed all of their company, Serena was easily her favorite.  
  
"Serena!"  
  
Why was it that all women insisted on greeting each other as loudly as possible, completely ignoring the fact that they were standing three feet away from each other?  
  
"How are you? You look great! Have you lost weight?"  
  
"Yes, actually. I'm on this new diet that my friend's mother gave me and it's working brilliantly!"  
  
"I can tell!"  
  
Oh lord, he was going to go insane.  
  
"Hermione, as much as we all love to discuss your weight loss, we have this wedding to deal with, remember?"  
  
He learned a valuable lesson that day. Never mention the word 'wedding' in the midst of adolescent females.  
  
After escaping from his ecstatic bunch of female pupils, all Severus wanted was a quiet lunch. That was, of course, too much to ask.  
  
"Severus! Congratulations! Why didn't you tell us earlier?" Albus was always one for celebrations.  
  
"Thank you Albus. I didn't tell you earlier because I only proposed last Saturday."  
  
Lupin frowned slightly.  
  
"And she's already planning?"  
  
"Yes, apparently there's a lot involved with muggle weddings."  
  
This caught the entire table's attention.  
  
"You're having a muggle wedding?" Minerva asked.  
  
"Yes," he sighed, "Because her family will be there and-"  
  
"Speaking of families, this is all your fault," Hermione interrupted.  
  
Severus turned around so quickly he feared he had whiplash.  
  
"My fault?"  
  
"Yes, Severus, your fault."  
  
"It is most certainly not my fault!" He huffed, and then paused a moment. "What's not my fault?"  
  
Lupin let out a snort, which earned him a patented die-and-yes-that-means- you-Longbottom-glare. Hermione ignored all this, as she tended to do, and continued on.  
  
"That I never knew about your mother. How many times have I suggested that we meet each other's families, and how many times have you waved it off? 'Not yet, Hermione,' 'We're not quite that serious yet, Hermione,' 'Sex first and families later, Hermione.'"  
  
This time Lupin wasn't the only one snorting.  
  
She was right though. He had never wanted to meet her family. Not because they weren't that serious, but merely because he had never wanted to meet her family. And he wasn't very keen on the idea of her meeting his either.  
  
Serena had even lectured him on it. "You really need to go meet her parents. Only after that will you be ready to go on to the 'next level,'" she had said with a knowing wink. He had wanted to ask her what the hell she could know about the "next level." Instead, he told her he didn't need to be picked over by her parents in order to go to any level, and that he'd do it his own way, thank you very much.  
  
Hermione, however, had never pushed the issue. She had certainly suggested it a few times, but had seemed almost relieved when he had constantly refused. Severus had a sneaky suspicion the only reason she was so adamant about it now was because being engaged guaranteed that her parents would not be able to completely reject their marriage.  
  
"Well what do you want to do about it? Have a party so that all the future in-laws can meet and greet?"  
  
He learned another valuable lesson that day. You should never suggest parties to engaged women.  
  
~  
  
His family was relatively small. He was glad, because Hermione had insisted on inviting extended family as well.  
  
First there was his mother, Venetia Snape. She was a small, frail woman who was content to sit and watch quietly, rather then participate. She never spoke her mind, or did what she wanted, and was submissive to the ideas of others.  
  
Then there was his older sister Ledell and her husband Vachel Gage. Ledell was the true ruler of the family, and always had been. She dictated everything with a wave of her hand and took in anything and everything through her hawkish eyes. Ledell believed in a strict social code and frowned upon anyone who didn't obey it. Vachel was, to put it simply, stupid, fat, and lazy, following his wife's orders with a sneer directed toward all others. He tried to give off the impression of being an affluent gentleman, but Severus found him to be no more than a repulsive slob. They had a single son, Seghen, who was an annoying cross between the two. He still lived with his parents and had no existing prospects.  
  
Venetia had no problem with Ledell and her ruling over the family, but Severus certainly did. The clashes between the two were the main reason of the existing strife between him and his family. Under no circumstances would he have ever considered trying to mend the rift. Under no circumstances except Hermione that is.  
  
Which is why he found himself glowering at the door of his childhood home. He hadn't been there since he had gone to work at Hogwarts, and had never expected to return. With a growl, he vehemently pounded the knocker against the door.  
  
A younger house elf -and thus one that did not recognize him--answered the door.  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
He kicked the elf out of the way, ignoring its yelp of pain. He had never bought into Hermione's house elf nonsense before, and he didn't plan on starting now.  
  
He strode into the Main Hall, where he knew they'd be. Every Monday, Thursday, and Sunday the Gage's descended onto the ancestral Snape home where Venetia lived. Sure enough they were all gathered by the fire, all looking more shocked than the next to see him.  
  
Venetia recovered first. "Severus, how nice to see-"  
  
"I'm getting married."  
  
Any shock that had worn off quickly returned. Venetia was cut off and Ledell arched her finely penciled eyebrow even higher.  
  
"To whom?" Ledell asked, regaining her voice.  
  
"Hermione Granger."  
  
He was met with three blank faces, and one deliberating one. Venetia never followed current events, but he was sure Ledell would recognize the name.  
  
"Hermione... Wasn't she that friend of Harry Potter's? The one who helped defeat the Dark Lord?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Ledell went back to thinking, all eyes on her. He suddenly started to grow nervous. Her thinking that much was never a good sign.  
  
"Well, congratulations. Have you set a date yet?" She took a sip out of her tea.  
  
"No, but I'm here to invite you to her parents house."  
  
Ledell lowered her cup. "Oh, really?"  
  
"Yes, she wants to have our families meet each other."  
  
" It sounds delightful!" Ledell cooed, her eyes bright.  
  
Now he knew something was wrong. Ledell was a firm believer in the importance of blood. The fact that she had raised no comments about Hermione being muggle-born in the first place was suspicious. Perhaps she had dismissed it because of Hermione's brush with fame and well-known intellect. But being excited about meeting her and going to her muggle parent's house? She was up to something, but Severus couldn't tell what, and subconsciously dismissed it as something he would worry about later.  
  
"Good."  
  
~  
  
"Don't worry about it. Everyone will love you."  
  
This, Severus doubted. He would be shocked to see anyone of the Granger household show any enthusiasm at his presence. "Oh, Severus, we're so glad Hermione found you. Age differences mean nothing to us. And you being her old professor? It's cute!"  
  
His lips curled at the thought of being referred to as part of something "cute." He didn't think the Grangers would accept him anymore than her friends and had told her so.  
  
She shook her curls adamantly.  
  
"No it will be great. I have a big family. Someone's bound to love you."  
  
With her wonderful vote of confidence and renewed anxiety Severus faced the front door. Hermione gave him a small smile and rang the bell.  
  
It was thrown open quickly by a young man who looked close to Hermione's age.  
  
"Hermione!"  
  
All hell broke lose.  
  
She was literally mobbed by a sea of relatives. Aunts, uncles, cousins...And they were all yelling at the same time. He figured this must be normal behavior, seeing as how Hermione was nonplussed and taking each hug and scream with a serene smile. Severus merely stood there. He had once heard that when wild animals attack you were supposed to stay still and back away slowly. That or bang pots and pans together.  
  
"Where's my baby girl?"  
  
Hermione's father was a middle-aged man who was just starting to go to seed. His hair was thinning on top and his stomach was starting to protrude. He wrapped her in a giant bear hug before turning to Severus.  
  
"Now Hermione, who is this young gentleman?"  
  
Severus found the use of 'young' ironic, as the man couldn't be much older then him.  
  
"Sorry. Everyone, this is Severus."  
  
Well she was right. They did love him.  
  
The same wave that had smothered Hermione now turned on him. Luckily he was saved when the doorbell rang. He had never been so happy to see Ledell in his entire life.  
  
He watched joyfully as his own family was attacked. Ledell tried to hide her disgust as various women pulled her into hugs. He could just see the muggle alert siren going off in her head, and yet all she could was smile.  
  
Venetia looked slightly surprised, but not turned off. She accepted Mr. Granger's hand with a genuine smile. Vachel was still trying to process the whole situation and Seghen stood petrified in the doorway.  
  
"Oh, Bill, is everyone here already?"  
  
Severus didn't believe for one second that she hadn't heard all the commotion downstairs. The woman coming down the stairway was no doubt Hermione's mother. She was dressed in a freshly pressed white silk blouse and beige skirt. Her hair was pulled into a bun, and a simple string of pearls adorned her neck. She was dressed to impress, and by the look of her, she was confident of achieving just that.  
  
"You must be Severus. I'm Hermione's mother, Helen Granger" she said with a smile, but her eyes betrayed her horror. He almost laughed, imagining how she felt about her only daughter marrying him. He suddenly felt much more cheerful about the whole night.  
  
"Why doesn't everyone come into the living room, so we can all get to know each other better. I'm sure the Snapes are tired."  
  
As the crowd pushed out, still cheerful, still loud, he caught eye of Ledell. She and Seghen were both staring at something, Seghen very appreciably, and talking hurriedly. He followed their gaze and his eyes landed on Hermione. Suddenly he understood. Ledell was as disgusted by Seghen's bachelorhood as everyone else. And Hermione Granger, transfiguration mastermind, war hero, and young beauty, was exactly what she had in mind for her offspring. She was such a catch, and Seghen so desperate, that she was even willing to wave the pureblood rule. Severus winced inwardly at the thought of Seghen pursuing Hermione and was promptly disgusted. Apparently his sister had underestimated his soon to be wife.  
  
Severus and Hermione were sandwiched on one of the sofas between the young man who opened the door, whom Hermione introduced as her older brother Ethan, and her father, Bill. Helen watched them cautiously from a nearby chair. Severus was already starting to feel inclined toward Bill.  
  
"So Severus, Hermione said you teach at her old school. What do you teach?" Ethan asked.  
  
"I'm the Hogwarts' Potion Master," he replied taking a sip out of the drink he was handed. He recognized it as one of the muggle soda drinks that Hermione was fond of.  
  
"Oh, potions! I bet you know about trans-fat," an unnaturally muscular woman sitting near Ledell jumped in.  
  
"Cassandra," Helen warned tersely as Cassandra put down her own drink, mentally readying herself.  
  
"Aunt Cassandra is mum's younger sister. She's a nutritionist and her husband, Uncle Leo, is a bodybuilder. "  
  
Severus recognized her husband as the other unnaturally muscular occupant of the room. He was bald, and appeared shiny, and was currently chatting with Vachel. Chatting meaning he talked and Vachel grunted.  
  
"Trans fat," Cassandra started, "Is deadlier than saturated fat. Yet, there are no warnings about it! Everyone ignores it so that they can eat all the crap they want. High fat diets will be the death of us all."  
  
"Oh, Cass, you've told us a million times," a short redhead interrupted.  
  
"Aunt Lisa, she's married to Uncle Robert, dad's brother. She's a homemaker, he's an engineer. Three kids; Amy, Doug, and Jimmy. Plus she's due next February." Hermione whispered.  
  
Lisa gave them a smile, and shoved trans-fat, something he knew nothing about, away. "Let's move on to a more exciting subject. Now, tell us about how you met."  
  
"Well as it is, Severus was Hermione's own potions professor," Helen interjected venomously. Severus could see a vein start to bulge in her neck at the words.  
  
"Yes, well, we didn't see each other until last year." Hermione explained hurriedly with a small glare aimed towards her mother. "I met him again in Hogsmeade, the wizard village, Glen's been there," a mousy brunette cousin nodded smiling, "And we started to see each other and one thing led to another, and here we are."  
  
Her whole family, with the exception of Helen, was smiling, apparently taken up in the romance of it all. Ledell took advantage of the silence and said her first words of the evening.  
  
"You work for the Ministry doing transfiguration, correct?"  
  
"Ledell Gage, my sister, married to Vachel. They have one son, Seghen. They are all major cows." Severus briefed.  
  
Hermione giggled before answering.  
  
"Yes, I've worked there since the war."  
  
"How fascinating. Seghen loves transfiguration, don't you?"  
  
Seghen just grunted and smirked at Hermione. She managed a weak smile as Ethan pulled a face at Severus over her shoulder.  
  
"He just finds it fascinating," Ledell continued. "Why don't you tell us all about it."  
  
As Hermione launched into an explanation, Bill turned to Severus. Fascinating as her job was, it seemed to hold little magic for her muggle relatives.  
  
"So" he said, "You're probably feeling very lucky. Landing a girl like her. No offense, but at our age-" he nudged him in the ribs and gave him a wink.  
  
"Uh, well, I do think I'm lucky I found her, but I don't really think of it as 'landing.'"  
  
Bill chuckled, but Helen rolled her eyes. Apparently she had been listening to their entire conversation. He really didn't think he would ever like that woman.  
  
"So Hermione, have you started planning anything yet?" Leo asked.  
  
"Well, actually, I just hired our planner."  
  
"You have?" Severus was surprised. She had mentioned a planner before, but had never mentioned the fact that she had already hired one.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"Gilderoy Lockhart."  
  
A/N: I'm writing from Utah, the Big Mountain State and Old Country for my parents. It's lots of fun, except that I got attacked by a BB gun sniper! Sheesh, you'd think a place full of Mormons would be a little nicer.  
  
Thank you, thank you, thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed. I was ecstatic at how well the first chapter was received.  
  
Everyone give a big round of applause for Rachel, my beta. She managed to get the job done in two days so that I could update before leaving for vacation. Unfortunately, ff.net had other plans, but Rachel still pulled through.  
  
There was some confusion over the flashback. Just as I feared ff.net screwed the italics up. From now on whenever you see the * sign, that means flashbacks.  
  
Magic Melon cookies to anyone who can tell me the name of the group of people involved in a wedding, i.e. bride, groom, bestman, bridemaids, ect. I want to call it the wedding court, but I know that's wrong.  
  
For any new readers, I have a mailing list to make announcements like updates, excuses, ect. If you're interested email me.  
  
This wasn't the product of a challenge, merely my own boredom, but hey, why not, I've never made up a challenge before. Challenge rules: Severus and Hermione get married. The wedding must be muggle, and the differences between muggle and wizarding weddings must be explained. Someone in Hermione's family can't like Severus. Someone has to try to pick up Hermione. Someone Hermione doesn't like must be involved with the wedding. Hermione's father has to be obsessed with some muggle cleaning supply. That's all. Write your hearts out. Or not.  
  
Ok, that's all. REVIEW!!!! 


	3. Lockhart And Lucius

"Welcome to Blushing Bride Wedding Agency, home of nuptials planner extraordinaire; Gilderoy 'The Marriage Man' Lockhart. How may I be of service to you?"  
  
By prying your fat silicone induced lips of my white arse.  
  
"We have a 1:30 appointment with Mr. Lockhart," replied his fiancée, displaying her amazing depth of physic ability. Because seeing Mr. Lockhart was exactly what he wanted to do. In fact it had been the only thing on his mind since that fateful day in the Granger's living room......  
  
*  
  
Hermione sipped her drink causally as if she had just made a passing comment about the weather as Severus choked on his.  
  
"What was that?" he inquired, knowing what he had heard but not daring to believe it.  
  
"Gilderoy Lockhart," his eye twitched involuntarily at the sound of the repeated name, "You remember him, don't you?"  
  
Gods, he remembered him. The truth was he was terrified of him. When the blond fiend had first showed up at Hogwarts, Severus had treated him with the proper venomous disdain. However, he sensed something sinister about the man, and soon his life turned into a living hell as he was forever haunted by those evil, gleaming eyes and flashing fangs of a smile. Minerva had called him crazy, Poppy had called him irrational, Albus had cracked up and shot Cockroach Cluster out of his nose; Severus was not deterred however. It wasn't until he had after the Chamber of Secrets incident that he had been able to sleep easy again.  
  
"Of course I remember Lockhart," he sneered trying to sound undaunted, but judging from Ethan's humored reaction he probably sounded a little sissy. "I thought he was in St. Mungos."  
  
"Oh, they released him years ago and he went straight into the wedding business. He really is brilliant, he planned Princess Sophia's wedding." This earned a collective "ooh" of admiration from Hermione's relatives, and blank looks from his own The frivolous partying of the so-called muggle royalty wasn't enough to sway him however.  
  
"Don't you think it's a bit much to call anything Lockhart does brilliant?" He earned a withered look and sigh in return for his observation.  
  
"No, he's fabulous. It's because he's so hands on. He's involved with every decision, so nothing goes array. This means we'll probably be seeing him everyday, so get used to it."  
  
*  
  
Luckily, Ethan was in medical school and was able to resuscitate him.  
  
Luckily meaning Seghen hadn't been the one to administer the thwarting "Kiss of Life."  
  
The receptionist's smile grew and she became even perkier then before. Having Lockhart personally plan your wedding, as opposed to his army of clone like agents, meant money, and lots of it. She even personally escorted them to Lockhart's office, which lay at the end of a hallway replicated like the Hall of Mirrors. The Women all murmured in feminine delight at the gaudy display of gold and glass. Had he known the two elements were so impressive he would have just gotten Hermione cubic zirconium instead of springing for the rock she now wore.  
  
As they walked Venetia slowed her pace until she was in step with him behind Helen and Hermione.  
  
"This really is a nice place. She did a good job," commented his mother.  
  
"If you say so Mother." He personally thought choosing Lockhart was one of Hermione's low points.  
  
Replying encouraged her and she gave an almost maternal smile. "She really seems like a great girl."  
  
"She is." He steered his eyes away from the looming door, wherein lay his doom. Venetia looked expectantly, but was disappointed as he remained silent. He wasn't in the mood for talk.  
  
They were there. He watched as the receptionist raised her fist, and almost in slow motion, pounded twice on the mahogany door. There was a moment of silence and then the door flew open, revealing the grand figure on its threshold; a beacon of light to all brides stuck in the desolate land of flowers and bridesmaid dresses, the best selling author, 5 time winner of Witches Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, Defense Against the Dark Arts fraud, and Wedding Extraordinaire: Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
It was probably the worst moment of Severus' life.  
  
"Welcome! Welcome!" he cried excitedly in a décor-matching accent that Severus didn't remember. "Oh, you must be Granger/Snape party! Oh, come in!"  
  
Lockhart's office was also Versaillesian, with more gold trim, and covered in portraits. Mais, bien sur Severus contemplated; the man hasn't changed a bit. There were pictures of Lockhart with brides (one which Helen immediately identified as Princess Sophia), florists, and designers, as well as covers to bridal magazines featuring his truly.  
  
The Sun King was currently swooning over the women, telling Hermione and Helen something about some Vera Wang. Severus hadn't a clue to what a Vera Wang was, but it sounded expensive and caused them both to emit girly squeals of delight. He then turned on Venetia and emitted the worst stream of lies Severus had ever heard, one of them being that she looked like she could be a bride herself.  
  
"Now sit down, please. There is so much work to be done!" He insisted once he had won The Women over to the Axis of Evil. "Oh, I am so excited. I simply love meeting new couples!" He wasn't kidding; the man looked like he could wet himself. Severus felt some of his terror edging away. It was hard to fear someone who looked so utterly ridiculous. The number one factor in Voldemort's down fall, in his opinion.  
  
Severus squeezed between his mother and Hermione on one of the fleur-de-lis covered couches. Somehow he felt safer.  
  
"Now, first things first. Have you set a date?" He pulled out a pen and planner as he spoke.  
  
"Yes, August 21. We want a date before school commences," Hermione explained.  
  
"Oh how lovely, a summer wedding." He placed the planner down and closed his eyes. Making "OK" signs with his fingers, he crossed his arms, letting the thumbs rest on his temples. He then proceeded to hum while breathing deeply. Severus stared at him with shock and returning fear at this sudden, bizarre reaction. The Women, however, were united again, all with the same look of hushed fascination etched on their faces. Suddenly Lockhart's eyes flew open, causing Severus another fright, and he brought his hands back across his face, this time in a splayed, jazz hands position.  
  
"I see you outside, sunlight streaming, with tents and fountains. Bright bouquets with yellow roses and blue irises accented with light pink stargazer lilies and baby's breath. A simple strapless gown, with some pearl beading on the bust, and a full skirt but no train. Hair worn down, flowing, with a hair length veil, attached to a tiara. A tiered ivory cake with flowers made out of frosting along the sides. And haltered, bridesmaid dresses in a bright pink "  
  
"Oh, no."  
  
It was exactly what Severus was feeling but he was shocked that Hermione actually articulated the same thought. Finally they agreed on something!  
  
"That's not going to work, my maid of honor is a redhead, and looks horrid in pink."  
  
Or not.  
  
Lockhart scrunched his face in deep thought. "What about blue?"  
  
Hermione's face lit up. "Blue would be perfect!"  
  
Then The Women all slipped off into wedding fantasy land and Lockhart gave a satisfied smile. This was it Severus realized, his stomach dropping. They had crossed the Rubicon. From now on the little scenario Lockhart had played out would control every moment of his life.  
  
"Now before we start any of that we should establish the party. I find it's important for them to be involved in the whole process, so there are no surprises on the big day."  
  
Helen and Hermione nodded in affirmation, Lockhart Logic was quickly becoming gospel to them. But judging from the look on her face Venetia shared Severus' confusion.  
  
"Excuse me," she timidly interrupted, "What party?"  
  
"Oh, the party is just the group of attendants. The bride has bridesmaids and the groom has groomsmen. They help you get ready, are each other's escorts, stand by the alter, all that. They're you're closest friends and family, a circle of love and trust for you on your big day." Hermione explained quickly, sounding a bit misty.  
  
Circle of love and trust? Hermione had been reading far too many bridal magazines. A circle of love his arse. It sounded more like setting up a pecking order of friends and family for the wedding.  
  
"Oui, so my dear, who will be your Maid of Honor?"  
  
"Ginny Weasley," Hermione replied. Of course.  
  
"Yes, and any other bridesmaids?"  
  
"My cousins Glen and Amy, both Granger," Helen nodded approvingly, "And my friends, Pavarti Patil and Lavender Brown."  
  
Severus pulled a face. When Hermione mentioned that she was still friends with her former roommates, he had thought passing acquaintance. But now he was planning this whole blessed event with them.  
  
"Oh, good, good. I think five is the perfect number of bridesmaids. And you sir. The Best Man?"  
  
By the sounds of it he was merely picking the head groomsmen person. And since Ginny was Hermione's best friend, he should choose someone of equal caliber.  
  
"Lucius Malfoy."  
  
Lockhart started to scribble the name down but Hermione interrupted.  
  
"I'm sorry could you say that again Severus. I almost thought I heard you say Lucius Malfoy."  
  
Her voice was dangerously sweet, as what was really being said was you better not have said that or I'll boil you alive. An interesting proposition.  
  
"Well, you heard right dearest."  
  
She looked shocked, as if she really had expected him to instantly change his mind. Well she thought wrong. If he was going to do this wedding her way, with this man planning, and Patil and Brown pretending to be maids of any sort, then he was going to have some normal people there.  
  
She stared at him for a moment longer and then her shock transformed into defiance.  
  
"No."  
  
This threw him off guard. "Excuse me?"  
  
"No. Pick someone else. I will not have any member of that wretched family, especially that jailbait scum who bought his way out of Azkaban, attending my wedding."  
  
"Our wedding."  
  
"Whatever Severus."  
  
He didn't know what was more stunning; that she claimed more right to the wedding or that she had told him whatever. The last person who had told him whatever had been a Hufflepuff third year, whom he promptly gave a month of detention.  
  
"Isn't Lucius Malfoy that horrid boy you attended school with, dear?" Ah, Helen, the continuing catalyst of non-marital bliss.  
  
"No that was Draco. Lucius is his father."  
  
Never mind, her meddling ways weren't that bad. The look on her face at that moment was priceless.  
  
As Helen tried to regain control of her visage, Hermione remained in battle mode.  
  
"I absolutely will not allow it Severus. Choose someone else."  
  
Lockhart looked uneasy and his mother was giving him a pleading look. But he was not giving in. He had surrendered every point up till now, and that practice was ending.  
  
"Fine."  
  
His simple acquiesce seemed to surprise Hermione, but her face quickly filled with smug satisfaction. Then he counter attacked.  
  
"No Malfoys, no Weasleys."  
  
Hermione whipped her head back around as Lockhart cried in despair "But that will take out half the guest list!"  
  
"No Weasleys! How can we have no Weasleys! Ron is one of my best friends, Molly is like a second mother, and Ginny's my Maid of Honor for Christ sake!"  
  
"Lucius is my Best Man."  
  
Her face contorted with rage, but he could see he had won. She simply could not stand to marry without the entire Weasley clan as a witness.  
  
"Fine." Her voice was short and heated, and he could see she was still completely disgusted by the idea.  
  
"Thanks sweetie," he cooed, earning a disgusted, but slightly humored look from her, and just plain disgust from Helen.  
  
"And the other groomsmen sir? You need four more."  
  
Truth be told he hadn't thought of anyone else. He wasn't exactly very popular, so most of his acquaintances were co-workers.  
  
"Ugh-"  
  
"Ethan." Helen interrupted. "He's Hermione's brother and must be involved."  
  
He agreed, slightly relieved. Ethan wasn't bad.  
  
"Oh, and Ledell wants Seghen to be involved." Venetia added.  
  
He actually didn't like that idea at all; he could only imagine how Ledell wanted her repulsive offspring to be involved. He didn't have a proper excuse however, so he reluctantly agreed.  
  
"And the other two?" Lockhart inquired.  
  
Severus racked his brain for anyone who could possibly happily escort Brown and Patil and came up blank.  
  
"Harry and Ron could do it." Hermione sweetly interjected.  
  
He met her innocent looking eyes with a sneer. Potter and Weasley. He'd rather marry Helen. But he didn't risk another epic battle over this party thing, so he merely rolled his eyes in agreement.  
  
Lockhart let out a deep breath before moving on with another grin. With the crisis averted there was only one thing left to do. Tell Lucius.  
  
~  
  
Lucius Malfoy wasn't exactly what one would describe as a best friend, but he was probably the closest thing Severus had. They had a formal friendship in Hogwarts, which they continued after graduation. Even after the Voldemort mess they still managed to keep up acquaintances. But they were hardly friends like Hermione and her giggling posse, and so he had never bothered to mention his relationship with Hermione to him. Until now.  
  
It wasn't that he was ashamed of Hermione. He just realized the odds against relationships succeeding, and figured he wouldn't bother Lucius about it when there was a chance that it wasn't going to work out. As the relationship got more serious he had considered telling him, but figured there was no need to bring any Malfoy indignation down on Hermione.  
  
But on the other hand, he realized it might be good to tell Lucius. After all, the shock of the relationship would be nothing compared to the shock that it was over a year old and they were now engaged.  
  
Too bad he hadn't thought of that before hand.  
  
Lucius gaped at him. Honestly, he was getting sick of all these shocked looks. Couldn't anyone take news calmly anymore?  
  
"You want me to be your what in your what to who?"  
  
"My Best Man in my wedding to Hermione."  
  
"Granger?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That odd looking, mudblood, brat?"  
  
"Shut up Lucius. And for your information she is not odd looking! She filled out quite nicely as a matter of fact." Severus gave a Double- Potions-With-Hufflepuffs scowl and shifted slightly in the plush chair, careful not to spill the liquor out of the cup in his hand.  
  
"Pardon me Severus, but that piece of mudblood filth has never been high on my favorites list, so excuse me if I'm not jumping for joy at your happy little union." He sipped his brandy, ignoring Severus' death glares. He was annoyingly good at that. He paused for a moment, supposedly to savor the drink, and then turned back to the matter at hand. "I don't know where this is coming from-you really can't be that desperate!"  
  
Maybe Hermione was right and Potter should be the Best Man.  
  
"Look, I didn't apperate all the way up here to here your opinion. I'm not asking for your permission, or even your blessing, Lucius. All I'm asking you is to wear a suit and walk down an aisle."  
  
"At a muggle wedding Severus! Honestly, I've never heard of anything so preposterous in my entire life!"  
  
"As preposterous as what?" Severus felt weight shift down on the back of his chair and the scent of jasmine and almond wafted over his nostrils. Jasmine and almond? For heaven sakes who would combine jasmine and almond?  
  
"Good morning, Narcissa."  
  
He couldn't see her face but he was sure she flashed her trademark megawatts smile. After Gilderoy had disappeared Witches Weekly started a stable love affair with it. It wasn't dampened by the fact that she didn't actually use it that much, she preferred a simple smirk in public, but whenever she let her dazzling pearly whites show, her face was bound to be found on every daily in wizarding Britain.  
  
"Severus dear how are you? I haven't seen you in ages; it's simply been much too long!" He could hear her hair toss, which meant she was definitely smiling. "We should do lunch sometime."  
  
He smiled slightly. He liked Narcissa, even though she did alarm him sometimes. Must run in the family, he thought with a sip.  
  
"Well, darling, that would be just delightful, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, Severus is much too busy getting married."  
  
"Married?" she repeated, but with more interest then surprise. This caught Severus' attention, but not nearly as much as her next comment.  
  
"To Hermione Granger?"  
  
Severus turned to view her for the first time, both surprised and slightly impressed, as his blond companion sputtered on his drink.  
  
"You knew!" Lucius accused.  
  
Narcissa rolled her cerulean eyes as she replied; "Of course I knew Lucius. They've been all over the Daily Prophet society pages for almost a year now."  
  
Severus was as unaware of this fact as Lucius, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Hermione was as informed as this flaxen socialite.  
  
"What are you doing?" Lucius suddenly interrupted his musings. Severus was about to make an acerbic reply about how some people had thoughts occasionally when he noticed, for the first time, a small feather duster in Narcissa's manicured hand.  
  
"Oh, pretending to dust."  
  
Lucius merely snorted as Severus wondered, not for the first, nor last, time, what kind of people these friends of his were. Pretending to dust? It reminded him of Marie Antoinette, the last French queen, who built an entire village, complete with hired peasants, in order to pretend she was a commoner. Oh, the curse of the prosperous, to never know the idiosyncrasies of the poor.  
  
"Pretending to dust? What on earth for?" Mirth marked Lucius' voice as he looked at his wife with amusement.  
  
Narcissa's eyes narrowed slightly as she replied defiantly, "Well, it was just laying around in the room, so I thought I might as well put it to some real use."  
  
Severus was about to ask what a feather duster was doing laying around in their room, but caught himself just in time. He had long ago invoked a "don't ask, don't tell" mandate concerning Lucius and Narcissa's relationship. A smart move, as Lucius tended to over share. And Narcissa's recalcitrant reaction had reminded him of something. He may not be able to get Lucius to go along with this wedding, but she certainly could. The charming beauty Lucius had chosen to marry happened to also be very obdurate, and had her husband wrapped around her polished and moisturized finger like the hefty, diamond ring it carried.  
  
"Well, I must be going. I'm very sorry to hear your rejection Lucius." He put down his glass in a motion to leave.  
  
"What rejection?"  
  
Severus held his breath slightly as he replied, "Oh, I simply wanted Lucius to be my Best Man in my wedding, but he refused, unfortunately."  
  
Lucius' face narrowed; he knew what he was up to. But before he could disrupt the conversation, Narcissa turned on him.  
  
"You refused to do what!"  
  
"Now, Narcissa, dear," he started, but it was a futile effort.  
  
"No, there's no excuse Lucius! Severus attended our wedding, as well as Draco's christening and graduation, and I can't tell you how many of my dinner parties he's been at-"  
  
Just as Severus was beginning to fear he was about to receive a run down of their entire social history, Narcissa cut herself off.  
  
"He'll be there." She sealed the deal with a smile as Lucius moaned in exasperation.  
  
"But-" Lucius was cut off like an indignant child by Narcissa's icy glare and was forced to comfort himself with the remaining drops of brandy.  
  
"Fine." He snarled as if to make it appear to be his decision. "All I have to do is force myself into one of those horrid, muggle tuxedos, right?"  
  
"And escort Ginny Weasley down the aisle. But other than that you're golden."  
  
Lucius' response let Severus know exactly how joyous this occasion would actually be. Maybe he should have become a monk.  
  
A/N: Yes, I'm aware that it's been EONS since I last updates and I apologize profusely. I promise I will NEVER take that long again.  
  
Thanks to everyone who told me it's a wedding party. If you haven't received them already, I am now giving you a magical melon cookie. It's either chocolate chip or oatmeal raison depending on what you like.  
  
For anyone who's anti-Malfoy out there I apologize, but they all fascinate me. I once wrote an English analysis on Lucius. My teacher thought I was crazy, but I got an A. I've never written a fic without them and I don't plan on starting now. I also know Lucius is technically supposed to be in Azkaban and whatnot, but I'm choosing to ignore that. It won't be the first or most important plot detail I've ignored. Sirius is in Miami.  
  
Ledell couldn't be in this chapter, but she'll be in almost every other one. For those fans of hers, don't fear.  
  
Thank you so much for reading and please review! I want your input as much as your compliments. 


	4. La Truce

"What gets me about them is that they're so noncommittal. I mean they're these tiny little things so you're like, one won't hurt. But you can never stop at just one and before you know it-"

"It's your turn dear."

She leaned down in her armchair to study the board, not bothering to push away the hair that consequently fell in her face. He had hoped her distraction would have led her to miss his move, but alas, she noted his knight and quickly moved her queen out of danger, while taking his bishop.

"I mean they're tiny. TINY. There's no way you'd think you could become addicted to them."

"Hermione, are you still talking about those cookies?" It was very difficult for him to contemplate his next move with her chattering. He was a very competitive man when it came to chess; he considered it the most intellectual of games (far superior to her favorite, Chinese checkers) and consequentially hated losing it. Hermione, however, had a natural knack for chess and often matched his skill without trying. It drove him mad.

"They're not just any cookies, Severus. They're _fudge stripes_. Mini-fudge stripes.. the most delectable and addictive of all cookies. Mildred and Aristotle Gunderson."

Severus paused mid-move.

"Aristotle Gunderson? As in the Junior Minister of Internal Affairs?"

"No, sweetie, it's the other Aristotle Gunderson."

He rolled his eyes, again, as he placed down the pawn. "Why are we inviting the Gunderson's? We don't know the Gunderson's."

"I do. I work with him."

"But how well do you actually know him? I mean have you ever spoken to him? Does he even know that you exist Hermione?"

"Of course! We have spoken on multiple occasions and I even attended a luncheon at their home once."

"Oh, you attended one luncheon so they're coming to our wedding?"

"Yes. Check."

He swore under his breath, he hadn't anticipated her move at all. It took him a good couple of minutes to finally move his king out of any danger.

"Eugene and Miranda Bissey."

"Who is he, the deputy to the minister of international gnome breeding?"

"No, she's your second cousin on your mother's side."

He grabbed the card from her and studied in embarrassed shock as she popped another cookie into her mouth.

"Oh."

Despite his anxiety concerning the wedding party, it had not yet met. Lockhart had given them the simple assignments to pick a location for the ceremony and reception and set the guest list. Hermione and Helen had the first part covered, assuring him a lovely church in Suffolk and a ritzy hotel in London that would do the job. All that was left was to set the guest list. A task that seemed to be getting more difficult by the moment.

"You know, Narcissa said something that was very interesting the other day."

"I am overjoyed to hear that that woman is capable of normal conversation."

She had developed a nasty practice of referring to the various Malfoys as"that woman/ that pompous brat/ that arrogant bastard/ that murdering-jailbait-fiend-who-is-better-off-in-hell-than-normal-society-much-less-high-society-and-especially-my-wedding."It was a tad annoying. He chose to ignore it.

"See, according to her, she often sees us in the society pages."

"Does she look for herself in the society pages?"

He gave a disbelieving snort, even though Hermione was right. Narcissa kept a scrapbook of all her pictures in the media, along with reactions to her attire. It was her way of making sure she was still a hot item.

"Anyway, this comment of hers, plus the caliber of some of our guests, has got me to wondering if you're planning a society wedding."

It was a completely new look that she gave him that time. It was a mix of exasperation, incredulousness, and endearment. If they ever had children, those poor souls would probably become quite familiar with it.

"Sweetheart, why don't you just let _me_ handle the guest list?"

He gaped at her in disbelief. "You areplanning a society weeding! You want to turn our joyous union into a public circus!"

"Severus, did you just say joyous union?"

"Don't you try to change the subject! I do not want this to be some high end event with paparazzi and celebrities, do you hear me?"

"Then why in heaven's name did you invite the Malfoys?"

She was unbelievable. Brilliant, but unbelievable.

She continued.

"Look, we have made some connections through our careers. If we don't invite these people it will be damaging. I'm only doing this for our happiness."

"My happiness does not include Aristotle Gunderson."

"Oh, and one other thing dear."

"What?"

"Checkmate."

"I just think it's a little early dear. I mean you've only been dating for six months and by August you will have only been engaged for four months!"

"Mother, what good can come from a long engagement?"

"Well, dear, after a long engagement you can be sure that you're right from one another."

"How long were you and dad engaged?"

"That's besides the point."

In the past month Severus had gotten to become quite comfortable in the house. It was actually quite a welcoming house, even with Helen.

He had, however, discovered one important thing about the Grangers.

They liked to talk. A lot. Usually about him. Especially Helen. Especially when he wasn't there.

"Hermione, I'm here," he announced. The proclamation was really more for Helen, so she'd know it was time to stop talking about him.

Hermione stuck her head out of the kitchen.

"You smell like Malfoy."

That was absolute nonsense. The Malfoys had no distinctive scent (Narcissa changed hers much too often) and even if they did, there was no possible way she could have smelled it from her position. He had just made the mistake of letting her know he was planning on visiting Lucius that morning and this was her way of rebelling. He was about to retaliate when he felt his face get wet.

He turned to find Bill spraying him with a white bottle of something mysterious.

"Dad! What are you doing?"

"He's Febreeze-ing him!" Ethan proclaimed with a grin.

"What?!"

"Well you said he smelled like malfoy, honey. Now, I don't know what malfoy is, but it sounds distasteful." He gave the bottle a shake with a knowing smile. "This stuff will do the trick Mione."

Hermione looked mortifiedSeverus was just confused beyond belief.

"Bill, Hermione was exaggerating. Malfoy is not a scent, it's a person," Helen spoke up.

"People have scents, Helen."

"But Hermione was not showing her displeasure with Severus' scent as much as she was with those he chooses to keep as his company.

Bill shook his head and muttered something about no appreciation as Severus escaped to Hermione.

"What was that?" he whispered, not wanting to offend Bill.

"Febreeze. Some spray that's supposed to remove smells and freshen the air or something like that. Dad's obsessed with it." She muttered.

"I'll have to give you some Severus! It works miracles, I swear by it," Bill promised him.

"Sure Bill, that sounds great. Thanks a lot." He doubted he'd ever use the stuff, but he didn't need both of her parents hating him.

Bill grinned and headed of toward the back of the house as Helen clucked her tongue in annoyance.

"I am so sorry...he has this thing" Hermione apologized. "It's a fetish of sorts. Kind of like you feta cheese."

That was a highly unfair comparison.

He had more of an inclination than a fetish.

The thought seemed to pull Hermione out of her stupor as she finally pulled her head up and smiled.

"Gilderoy called."

"Since when are you two on a first name basis?"

"He booked the chapel and hotel, so we're all set for the date. Since we're done with the guest list we now have to pick out invitations so they can get sent off as quickly as possible. Oh, and we need to get together with the party to pick out flowers and food."

He didn't know they were done with the guest list.

"Why do we need to pick flowers and food with the party?"

She rolled her eyes as if it were the most obtuse question she had ever heard. "Allergies!"

She must have asked Lockhart herself.

"Now Gilderoy is off at a wedding in Barbados, so we can't meet at his office. I'd volunteer this house, but Mom's having the carpets steamed. My apartment is obviously too small, so the only logical place left is your place."

"You want to have twelve people at my house sampling food and sniffing flowers? How is that logical?"

"Well, there's nowhere else to go."

"And how are we going to pick flowers and food without knowing what the decorations or the bridesmaid dresses look like?"

She looked surprised and a bit impressed. Well, she wasn't the only one reading those wedding articles.

"Oh, it's fine dear. Gilderoy and I already have a whole plan for the wedding. He wanted to get everything figured out before we selected details."

"What?"

This was beginning to become an all too familiar pattern.

She just smiled.

"How did you make a plan without me? Why do I know nothing about this plan?"

"Well you heard the basics at our first meeting with Gilderoy. Since then we've worked out more ideas, so I basically know what everything's going to be like."

"And what about me? Do I get to know nothing?"

"More or less," Helen added sweetly, joining the conversation. "Oh, and by the way, its thirteen people, I'll be there, too."

This idea was sounding worse by the moment.

But what was he to do? He had no say in anything anymore. He had lost that all that day in November when Hermione had "accidentally" dropped her change in his lap. She had probably done it on purpose, just so she could hijack his life and force him into a tuxedo. And now she was steering him out the door, off to plan this little get together. Off to control his life even more.

"Severus wait!"

Bill hurried to him, arm outstretched. In his hand was a white bottle with a spray cap.

"Fresh bottle just for you!"

"You live in a cottage?! A cottage? In Hogsmeade? You live in a cottage in Hogsmeade?"

Oh, the acute and ever active mind of Ronald Weasley.

"Well I could always move if that is so hard a concept for you to grasp."

The boy just stared at him, mouth gaping open, completely dumbfounded. Students like him were the ones you couldn't wait to graduate. Then you never had to see them again and they could live their miserable lives far way from you. Unless you started dating their best friend. That complicated things.

"I especially like the flower garden, Snape. It gives an extra homey touch."

Potter was always a bit quicker than his redheaded friend. Always a bit more uncouth about his and Hermione's relationship as well.

It didn't matter to him though. He hated them both equally.

"Harry, Ron, come in!"

They both heeded Hermione, trying to enter while avoiding him as much as possible. Everyone else had already arrived, except Lucius and Seghen. He had a sneaking feeling that Malfoy wouldn't be making an appearance today. He had a deep hope that his nephew would do the same.

This hope was, of course, shattered as he arrived moments later with his mother in tow.

Ledell and Seghen.Parvati and Lavender. Potter and Weasley. This afternoon couldn't get much better.

"Well, it looks like everyone's here," Hermione joyfully proclaimed after greeting the last two. She seemed to have also come to the Severus' conclusion that Lucius wasn't coming, and seemed to not mind a bit.

"I'd like to thank you all so much for coming and also Severus for opening up his house to us."

This was met with murmurs of agreement and some snickers. Honestly, why was it so hard to accept that he lived in a cottage? It was just him and his cat, plus the whole gothic castle thing was so passé. Real men have gardens.

"Now the point of today's meeting is to make sure that everyone is in accord with the food and flower choices. I basically know what will be at the wedding, but we just wanted to make-"

But what they wanted to make, Severus never discovered (since no one told him anything) because Hermione was cut off by a knocking at the door.

She froze as everyone hushed. Her face wore a look of pure terror. She knew who was on the other side of that door and she did not want him there.

Seeing that she was making no sudden movements, Severus resigned himself to answering the door. As he approached the door however, he noted something was amiss. Through the door he could hear muted chattering. Lucius didn't chatter. He didn't do anything that even came close to chatter. So he wasn't that surprised when he opened the door, not to Lucius Malfoy, but to his ostentatious wife, fully engrossed in a cell phone conversation with Annie Prewitt behind her.

He had no idea Narcissa owned a cell phone.

He hadn't even known what the contraptions were until last December, and she owned one!

There was no way Lucius knew about that.

He wasn't surprised Annie was there though. Narcissa thought the sun rose and set on Annie Prewitt. Annie had been Lucius' personal assistant for years, but Narcissa had commandeered her shortly after they started courting. Wherever Narcissa was, Annie wasn't far behind, making sure that a woman who didn't cook, clean, work, or even do her own shopping had a smooth day.

While he wasn't too surprised (besides the cell phone) every other face in the room, especially Hermione's, was registering complete shock. Well except for Hermione's family. Helen, Ethan, and Gwen, had no idea who Narcissa Malfoy was, so there was no reason for her not to be there. But judging from the look on the Gryffindor's faces Hermione had failed to mention that any Malfoy would be there. Patil and Brown didn't seem too distraught though. God could have walked through the door and they wouldn't have been in nearly as much awe as they were now.

Narcissa, oblivious to everyone's reactions, flipped her phone shut and turned on her smile.

"I am so, so sorry but Lucius couldn't make it today. He really wanted to, but he had some pressing matters to attend to."

"That's...fine" Hermione managed. Weasley still sat in gaping shock,while the mention of Lucius caused Potter to glare suspiciously.

"Great, then I'll just be sitting in today. It's probably for the better; I'm much more talented at picking out food than he is. He is allergic to lobster however, so that's right out. This is Annie."

"WHY DO YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE?"

That was Weasley, causing more than one start in the silent room.

Narcissa frowned slightly. This seemed to encourage the redheaded dolt.

"Only muggles have cell phones. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MUGGLES?"

Her frown deepened. Not good for her skin.

"It's so I can talk to my doctor."

"A DOCTOR! You have a MUGGLE DOCTOR? What for?!"

Her frown turned to a simper.

"Birth control."

Needless to say, this shut Weasley up. The idiot almost fell out of his seat. Brown, however, was enthralled.

"You use muggle birth control?" Her voice was breathless. Severus never realized how much Gryffindor girls idolized this woman.

She flashed another smile. "It's just as effective as magical birth control, plus it's good for your skin."

Weasley looked sick.

"Really?" Helen asked, speaking for the first time. "Hermione, what kind of birth control do you use?"

Now Potter looked sick too. This conversation was obviously going in a completely different direction than Hermione wanted. Time for him to score some brownie points and intervene.

"Fascinating as this, um, topic is, I'm dying to hear all about the appetizers Hermione has planned."

And they wondered why she agreed to marry him. Hermione looked like the most grateful girl on the planet. Even Potter looked slightly impressed.

Somewhere amidst it all she managed to regain her composure.

"Right. Well, yes, here's the food list, and we have some samples. We just want to make sure everything is to everyone's liking." Hermione was usually good in front of people, but she was now surprisingly meek. Birth control can do that to you.

So samples and flowers were passed out and it didn't take Severus more than two minutes to decide this was the most tedious activity in the history of the Earth.

"I mean eating the food isn't that bad, but some of tastes really weird. Plus, what's with all these flowers? I can't smell a difference!"

With a jolt Severus realized his thoughts had been voiced, but not by him. Weasley was speaking to an equally bored Potter in hushed whispers.

He knew what he was about to do was dangerous. He might be ridiculed, rejected, or ratted out to Hermione. He believed, however, that in time of trial and tribulation that the men code of honor kicked in, and once-enemies could untie for the cause of survival.

"You should have been at Lockhart's office."

He said it nonchalantly, so that they couldn't attack. But once the shock of him speaking (and not threatening them) wore off, they quickly nodded in sympathetic agreement.

"When Ginny and I got married, we spent three days looking at candles. Three days! I just wanted to pick some, but no. They had to match her vision."

Ethan, who had been listening intently, jumped in.

"Our whole house is wedding central. And if one thing doesn't match the plan, it's right out. No matter what, no consideration if it's not a part of the vision."

Severus threw down a bouquet of tulips in animation.

"Yes! What's with this vision nonsense? It's a wedding, not a state dinner, not a peace meeting, not a battle. All you need is a bride, a groom, and a ring. Nowhere in there do you need vision. When you bring vision into it, we get stuck sniffing flowers."

There was a moment of silent, peaceful concord as the four contemplated their fate.

"Well, one of us got out of it." Ron glared in Narcissa's direction. The blond had no idea however, as she was enthralled in her conversation with Helen.

Potter glanced in Severus' direction before causally remarking, "I wasn't aware Lucius Malfoy was in the wedding party."

Gryffindors. They had no sense of the moment.

"Yes." He wasn't playing their games.

"Funny. Is he the best man?"

"Why?"

"Well, I don't know if you know this but the best man is the one who escorts Ginny in the ceremony and Lucius Malfoy can-"

"Aa-choo!"

Potter was cut off as Patil attempted to blow down the cottage with her nose. Thankfully, she was unsuccessful.

"Are you okay, Parvati?" Hermione asked as the girl let off another mammoth sneeze. She glanced at the roses in Patil's lap.

"I guess roses are out." Hermione loved roses.

"But I'm not...aa-choo! I'm not allergic to roses. Just cats."

Hermione's back straightened.

"Severus, I thought you put Delilah out."

"I did."

Technically that was true. He had put her out. But then she had turned around and gave him a look of such pure indignation that he let her back in. After all, it was her house too. She had the right to stay in, and he wasn't taking that away because Patil had an allergy.

Hermione was bustling about the room, apologizing to Patil and searching for Delilah.

"Uh, Hermione..."

"Not now Ron, I have to find the cat."

"I know. I just wanted to know if that is it."

Sure enough the Abyssinian was perched on the wine cabinet. This was not unusual, Delilah had very refined taste.

"Don't worry Pavarti, I'll get it."

"Wait Ron!" But Hermione's cries were to no avail. As the hapless redhead reached forward Delilah laid back her ears and let out a low hiss. Before Weasley had time to react she lashed out, leaving a nice sized gash up his arm.

Delilah also had very fine taste in people.

Sure enough, Narcissa got her down as Hermione and the Gryffindor brigade hovered over Weasley.

"I am so sorry Ron, she's a little moody."

Moody! Delilah was not moody, she had personality. Hermione's rug of a cat was the one who was moody.

"That cat is evil."

"Oh really, she's a sweetie. You've just got to understand her." Narcissa interjected, still holding Delilah. The cat looked quite docile.

Weasley just stared at Narcissa as if he had never seen anything like her before. "That's the story of your life, isn't it?"

"Aa-choo!"

Patil's pressing allergy condition caused the powers that be (Hermione) to decide Delilah had to be locked in the bedroom. Neither Severus nor Delilah were very happy about this, but the forces of evil (Patil and Weasley) prevailed.

"Ok, now that that's over, if we could just get back to the flowers."

"I don't understand it."

Ah, his lovely sister. She had such an impeccable sense of timing.

Hermione really looked like she wanted this to go on without another hitch as she almost painfully replied. "You don't understand what, Ledell."

"The flowers. Why are we looking at them, what do flowers have to do with weddings."

Hermione just stared, completely flabbergasted. Luckily, Ginny came to her rescue.

"In muggle weddings they use flowers in place of candles."

Coincidentally, muggle wedding have a lot less fiery deaths. Few people knew the muggle tradition of throwing the bride's bouquet came from an old wizarding tradition. It was a short lived one.

"You're going to carry flowers?" Ledell looked disgusted.

"Yes, that's what we're doing."

"I can't believe it. Next you're going to tell me there won't be a hand fastening ceremony."

"A what?"

Ledell gaped at Ethan's reply before turning back to Hermione, aghast.

"And the Aeternus charm?"

"Dumbledore's not performing it at the ceremony, but he will afterwards." Hermione seemed eager to appease Ledell. Well that was a lost cause.

"Well I don't know if Seghen can be in a wedding like this. What will people think?"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about it Ledell, people don't think about you too often."

This is why he liked Narcissa.

Ledell ignored her, continuing on with her rant.

"Those are treasured wizard traditions! This whole event is so...muggle."

Ok, he had really had enough of this. "Yes, Ledell it is. Because her family's muggle, and she was born muggle, and all her life dreamed of being married like a muggle. So that's what we're doing and it's our wedding, not yours. So I'd appreciate it if you're shut up, sit down, and smell some flowers."

Ledell smirked. Not a good sign.

"Honestly Severus, you're overreacting. I'm not the one who was a death eater."

It's amazing what a phrase like 'death eater' can do to a room.

Heads snapped, girls gasped, and Narcissa's face twisted in contempt. Death eater comments never went over too well with her.

Hermione froze. In their whole six months of relationship they had never once mentioned death eaters. He had seen no need to. It was in the past, she knew about it, and it wasn't a pleasant conversation point. But now the words caused her to become paralyzed. A feeling of dread grew in his stomach. Did it really bother her that much?

A new voice spoke up.

"Misguided as he was, at least he stood up for what he believed in; instead of agreeing and letting other people do the dirty work while planning to bask in the pureblood reign of glory afterwards!"

He simply stared at Helen. She looked furious. He had seen her annoyed, but never angry. But her face was flushed red, her eyes blazing, and lips tight. Even Ledell was taken back by her reaction.

"Besides, he saw the error of his ways. He joined the Order didn't he? It's quite possible the war would have been impossible to win without him. You were completely out of line."

He would never understand this woman. Judging from their reactions neither would Ethan and Hermione.

Ledell took a few minutes to reply.

"I think it's time for us to leave."

"Yes, that would probably be best." Helen agreed, none to cordially.

She stalked out resentfully with Seghen behind her, grunting in accordance. The door slamming shut was the only sound to break the perpetual silence that hung around the room. He could distantly hear Delilah hissing in his room.

"The nerve of that woman," Helen steamed.

Severus studied her, seeing her in a new light. She wasn't a bad guy. She was a mother. A mother simply looking out for her daughter's happiness. She may not have picked him out herself, but when someone threatened her daughter's joy, she was the first to his defense.

She caught his glance for a moment and gave him a small smile before setting herself back to the flowers. She still wasn't particularly fond of him, he could tell that. But she was willingly to accept him for Hermione's sake.

"Check."

She made a feeble move with her king, but he had her this time. He was sure of it.

She looked exhausted. The day had been more straining than she had planned.

Maybe she wouldn't plan any more parties.

"Maybe we should have smaller parties from now on."

Close enough.

"Checkmate."

She brushed her hair out of her face to examine the board before admitting defeat. Leaning back in her chair she sighed contently as Delilah laid in her lap.

Delilah had always had very fine taste in people.

"I love you."

She looked up, surprised and amused.

"What brought that on?"

He shrugged, studying her face. She smiled and then dropped her eyes, not sure of what to make of the scrutiny.

"I think I forgot it somewhere between Lockhart and Ledell. But it doesn't matter, none of this matters. From now on, it's whatever you want. I won't complain."

"Really?"

He didn't reply, but instead took her hand and studied her ring. It had cost a small fortune, but he didn't regret it. He looked back up to find her smiling, her face close.

"Ok, I'm off you two."

Talk about a way to ruin a moment.

"Bye Mom." Hermione sounded equally exasperated as her mother walked through the room. She had volunteered to clean up to let Hermione wind down.

"By the way dear, I don't know why you had any reservations about the Malfoys. Narcissa was simply a joy."

"Really Mother." She didn't sound convinced.

"Oh yes, we had such a good time. In fact, I invited them over for dinner."

"What."

"Yes, and she graciously accepted. The whole family's coming over sometime before the wedding."

After watching Hermione, Severus decided he didn't want to be anywhere near Lucius when Narcissa broke the news.

A/N: See I didn't take nearly as long with this one.

For everyone who didn't know, my friend started a livejournal community about my fics. It's not very exciting, I post the most, but it's a way to stay in touch and know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet between updates. Also, it totally excited me and made me want to update, so props to the whole three members. If anyone's interested in joining the link's ?user=melonsfics.

The new quikedit thing on is the coolest thing ever. It's the first good thing they've done in a long time.

Thanks for your patience again. I love you guys!

Review!


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